CAN OPPOSITE SEX PEOPLE BE FRIENDS WITHOUT SEXUAL RELATIONS?

Based on my experience and what I have observed around people, I am still failing to get the answer to the question: CAN A MALE AND FEMALE BE FRIENDS WITHOUT SEXUAL BENEFITS? I have had male friends before, and also had a boyfriend who had female friends. So many things happened, yet I am still not sure whether it is possible, generally, for people to be friends with the opposite sex without any sexual benefits. I also don’t know whether it is inevitable that when two opposite sexes meet, any friendship they make will lead to a sexual relationship.

During my school days, I had four male friends. I was the only female amongst them. We were called the “BIG FIVE”.  We were always together even outside school premises. We would eat lunch and walk together everywhere we were going – except the toilet, of course. We knew each other since childhood. We became more like siblings towards each other and they would call me their little sister, such that most people even believed that we were related.

Three of my friends had girlfriends. Their girlfriends knew me well and I respected their relationships. Even though we were a group of friends, I started to become closer to one guy named Phiwa. He was so humble and smart, so most of the time we would study together, while the others kept gallivanting with their girlfriends. Rumours started swirling around that him and I were dating. Well, I did not care because I knew that our relationship was only based on friendship.  

After some time of not dating, I met a handsome guy named Olwethu. He became the love of my life. He was not part of my friends and neither was he a friend to any of my four friends. My friends respected my relationship just like I did theirs. Olwethu did not even mind me hanging out with my friends since he trusted me. Although he heard the rumours that were going around that I was dating Phiwa, he never believed them.

On the other hand, Olwethu also had some female friends with whom he spent most of his time.  This did not bother me at all, because I knew that I also had my own male friends – and was already aware of the value of real friendship.

A month into dating Olwethu, he introduced me to one specific girl who was part of his friends. She knew me very well. She would sometimes give me gift cards, wishing me and Olwethu happiness in our relationship, which seemed strange to me. Over time her and Olwethu started spending more time together in and out of school. The other girls seemed to have dropped off the friendship.

Sometimes they would call each other for hours while I was with him. This did not bother me; my male friends would sometimes also call me when I was with him, so I understood. I was not much intimidated by their friendship although sometimes I would suspect unusual things between them that normal friends don’t do.

Rumours also started intensifying that Olwethu and his female friend were more than just friends. Some people would claim that she would even spend some nights at Olwethu’s place. Others said that their friendship had all the signs of a romantic relationship. I did not entertain those rumours since I was also experiencing them with my friend Phiwa. I thought it was just jealousy among some of them and their stereotypes.

One day, after finishing writing one of my examination papers, some girls confronted me and asked if I was still in a relationship with Olwethu. I told them I was, and they started laughing on my face and telling me how dumb I was for allowing my boyfriend and his friend to sleep together. I started to worry, but still assumed their reactions were based on jealousy. I continued going to Olwethu’s place with a lot of thoughts going on in my mind.

After some months of dating, he gave me keys and permission to go to his place anytime I felt like.  As always, I would just come unannounced, pass-by and make something to eat before going home. Sometimes I would even clean for him and cook when I had time.

One day, while I was cleaning, I found girls’ clothes, underwears and even shoes hidden under the bed. I started being suspicious that there was more going on that I had thought. What angered me even more is that the rumours I had been ignoring seemed to be coming to life.

I confronted Olwethu angrily about the clothes I found and the sleepovers by his friend that I have been hearing about. His explanation was that his female friend was having problems at her home, so she had asked him to keep her belongings in his place. I knew there was more into it than that since Olwethu’s place was only a one-room with a single bed. He was even denying me to sleep over more than a day.

Well, I started noticing things between them. They became more into each other such that they were buying each other gifts on special occasions which he never did for me. His phone gallery was full of pictures of his “friend” – far more than mine. When his friend called, he would move out of the room to receive her call, and I could not hear what they would talk about. Sometimes when I called, his phone would be answered by his “friend” and tell me to leave a message.

I started to worry more. I wanted him to explain what was really going on between them based on everything that was happening, but he denied any romantic relationship between them.

After a few weeks, I got a call from his “friend” telling me that her and Olwethu were involved in a romantic relationship. It had been going on for a while, she said, and advised that I should leave them in peace because Olwethu did not want me anymore. She had also moved in with him, that is why her belongings were there. She also told me to stop calling him and also stop visiting their place.

I was very devastated in a way that after that call, I did not want to hear anything from Olwethu. I hated him, not because he had moved on, but because they had made a fool of me in front of many people, including to my friends.

This marked our break-up, after three years of dating.

My experiences, unfortunately, have not clarified the subject of male-female friendship. I still don’t know whether a male and a female can be friends without sexual benefits. I was a friend with many males, especially Phiwa, but we never ended up into being in a romantic relationship, yet my boyfriend ended up having more with his female friend. I have seen some opposite-sex friends and still wonder how they manage to be friends without involving any sexual relations.